Things to avoid doing on Valentine’s Day

Well, it’s almost that time of year, folks.

It’s that time of year where all you can see for miles and miles in department stores are pink and red nonsense items. It’s the time of year that roses and carnations are in abundance at the florist shop. It’s the time of year where chocolate is bought and delivered in silly cardboard boxes shaped like hearts.

It’s also the time of year that I prefer to stay home, make blanket forts and watch movies.

That’s right, it’s almost Valentine’s Day.

Sex and Valentine’s Day seem to go hand in hand, don’t they? If you’re with someone, you expect sex. It’s practically a given. If you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, you’re saying hello to Hands McGee with some good old fashioned Kleenex and lotion.

If you’re in a couple, you may be preparing the bottle of champagne and the home cooked meal, or maybe you’re sprinkling rose petals everywhere, or maybe just getting into a bathtub. Or you’re going out to dinner and a movie with the plan to eventually go back to your place and turn the music up really loud so your neighbours can’t hear you. These are all fine plans, if you can adapt them to your partner’s tastes.

I should note the one thing you should not do for Valentine’s Day. Do not under any circumstances buy lingerie for your partner. There is the possibility that you’ll only get something you like and they don’t like. You have a high possibility of buying the wrong size and either making them think their body is too large, or that you think their body is even larger than it is.

If you’re going the route of the rose petals everywhere, make sure you know if your partner is allergic to flowers first. There’s no way they’ll feel sexy and into you if they’re sneezing, dripping mucus and swelling in not so fun places.

If you fall back on the champagne idea, make sure your partner actually likes champagne. Also make sure neither of you are going to drink too much, otherwise your romantic evening will be hosing off your partner and cleaning up their vomit. Yum.

There aren’t many problems with the dinner and a movie solution. Unless they’re allergic to something new they’ve tried. Or the movie was actually a breakup story, not a romantic comedy. Awkward.

Also, for the love of your single friends and your future sanity, do not propose on a holiday. It makes you look exactly like the 30+ other schmucks on my Facebook Newsfeed who did the proposal bit. Plus, there’s always the chance they’ll say no.

When it comes down to it, there’s a possibility of anything going wrong with your Valentine’s Day plans. But you increase the chances if you do something silly like suggest you watch porn together.

Now, if anyone needs me on Valentine’s Day, I’ll be at home drinking beer and watching movies in bed with my partner.

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