I decided that I was going to buy a sugary breakfast cereal.
I said to myself “Yep. I’m a grownup now. If I want to start my day with a colorful bowl of sogging, sugar coated styrofoam – by golly you know I’m going to do it.” And I jumped and thrust my fist into the air, signaling that I’d made it as an adult.
On the way to the grocery store, I thought of little wee Megan– thumbing through her comics, dazzled by colorful advertisements with some of my favorite heroes pushing their breakfast candy. “Autobot Brand Sugar-gon Cubes! Wow!” I would exclaim ” Now with more green!”
It was rare that I would have the opportunity to actually consume sugary cereals. When I did, I could never eat a complete bowl as I wouldn’t be able to stop screaming long enough to get the spoon in my mouth. Sugar cereal was literally boxed excitement!
Upon arriving at the grocery store, as a grown adult making real grown-up decisions, my choices in sugar cereal were seriously diminished. Apparently breakfast has gotten healthy (read: boring) and people want to feed their children things that aren’t going to make their liver glow in the dark.
I started hyperventilating and asking rhetorical questions aloud. Who puts wheat in chocolatey puff balls? Where are all the colors and marshmallows? What the fuck is a Muselix?
These questions came out of my mouth in a voice so high pitched it made a kettle sound like Barry White. Every dog in a four block radius squinted. My face grew puffy and red, and I lay face first on the ground in the cereal isle, pounding my fists against the ground. Because I am a full-on, no bologna, for real ADULT!
But for serious, we need some better breakfast crack options up in this. Delicious sugar cereal – where you at?
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